Kindiki, the 'whispering deputy' who tried to 'roar' but gave Sh64 only

Behold! The man, the myth, the whispering deputy. Kenya’s second-in-command. The one who speaks in lowercase but serves in uppercase. The man whose voice is so faint, it needs Wi-Fi to reach the back of a rally crowd. If political power were measured in decibels, he’d still be searching for a network.

This is none other than Professor Kithure Kindiki, Deputy President of the Republic of Kenya, full-time head-nodder,  part-time motivational speaker, and official distributor of Sh64 to widows and orphans.

The man recently had to publicly convince us that his voice is not powered by a Nokia 3310 speaker - that he has a bass, only that it reverberates internally.

“Mimi ni noma, si noma. Mimi ni fire, si fire,” he declared with the seriousness of a man unveiling a new constitution. But alas, it still sounded like a bedtime story being told through a muffler.

Make no mistake, Kindiki is not just whispering wisdom. He is empowering the nation, one brown envelope at a time. Welcome to Kindiki’s Economic Rebirth, a bottom-up miracle so bottomed out, some groups are walking away with a revolutionary Sh64, just enough for a chapati, a boiled egg, and a deep conversation about hope.

In Baringo, one group even proudly displayed their “empowerment” – a coin you can’t even break at a matatu stage. It would be funny if it weren’t so tragic. Actually, no—it’s both. It's tragicomic empowerment, the kind Shakespeare would write if he were on a county tour with an MC named “DJ Empowerment.”

At a recent “empowerment forum” in Kimorori, Murang’a County, Kindiki, flanked by a full choir of Kenya Kwanza loyalists, thundered (or tried to), saying those criticising the programme should stop hiding behind social media.

“If you’re against empowerment, come to Maragua and say it!” he dared, clearly underestimating how brave Kenyans on Twitter can be. The hashtag #64BobRevolution was probably trending before his speech ended.

He insisted the programme is helping grassroots groups start or grow their businesses. Though how anyone grows a business with 64 bob remains a mystery, even the IMF would struggle to model.

In one Murang’a village, empowerment reached electrifying heights literally. A transformer was reportedly uprooted from one area, installed near a rally venue for effect, and returned to its original location post-photoshoot. It’s the first time a transformer has been treated like a prop in a school play.

Elsewhere, motorcycles issued to youth groups were retrieved quietly in the night like a one-night stand with development. Empowerment today, repossession tomorrow.

Kindiki was made DP last year to snatch Murima from former DP Rigathi Gachagua. He stands a better chance of breaking his voice than grabbing Murima for himself.

While the boss hops from summit to summit, Kindiki is left in dusty towns with microphones that work better than his voice, promising opportunities in ICT, agriculture, and NYS placements that have yet to translate into much more than applause and awkward ululations.

He stays loyal to his boss, whom he has tried hard not to outshine. If sycophancy were a unit, Kindiki would be doing a PhD in Obedience Science. He’s the kind of man who'd thank the president for rain, even during a drought.

But he may be losing the script. Veering off course from his 'Yes Sir-ing', Kindiki has landed his face on a coin sooner than his master.

The Maths ain’t mathing, Murang’a Woman Rep Betty Maina was quick to defend the cause: “We know how hard it is to borrow 500 bob,” she said passionately, “That’s why this initiative matters.”

Which begs the question: If 500 bob is hard to borrow, what exactly do you do with 64, as a woman from Kisii, handed Sh2,000 to share among 31 others, posed.

Public service CS Geoffrey Ruku tried to inject some facts into the fiasco, claiming inflation is down, the shilling is up, and lending rates are lower.

“Inflation is down. The shilling has strengthened. Lending rates are lower,” Ruku thundered – conveniently forgetting that the same economy sees youth choosing between buying bread or a bar of soap, and not both. But who needs facts when you have loyalty? As Kindiki proudly reminded us: “Even Ruto was a yes-man to Uhuru. Look how that turned out!”

Sir, the only thing that’s up is confusion, and the only thing down is the purchasing power, right next to the dignity of receiving coins from the state in broad daylight.