Why we should start thinking twice before having children

A man in India is suing his parents for giving birth to him. He argues that he had no say in the decision to be born. He believes he owes his parents nothing for his existence and, instead, believes he should be compensated for it.

Closer home, there is the puzzling story of a family of six, four of them children, who have been sighted walking across various towns, day after day, headed God knows where. Of the four children, one is a toddler and another an infant, reportedly born while on the move. Too young to understand their circumstances, these children find themselves taking the road each day instead of being home, in school or at the playground like their peers.

These two stories, one outrageous and the other heartbreaking, force us to confront an uncomfortable but critical question. Why do we have children in the first place?

The pro-choice movement has mainly focused on women’s rights to decide if and when to have children. But perhaps it’s time we widened the scope of this conversation and deeply interrogated the reasons we choose to have children and the lasting consequences of those choices, especially for the children.

The truth is, children come into the world as a result of adult choices. Some are born out of love and careful planning, while others, sadly, are as a result of violence or even more unfortunate impulsive decisions. While every child deserves to be brought forth in an environment where they are celebrated and enabled to thrive, this cannot be said of all children. And while adults can and have walked away from the consequences of their decisions, children are often left to deal with the trauma and instability they never asked for.

Many of us grew up hearing "children are a blessing", or that “they are the glue that holds families together.” And that “each child comes with their plate”. These sentiments, however well-meaning, have clouded the seriousness of the responsibility that comes with having children. Beyond being a biological milestone, parenting is a lifetime commitment to prioritise someone else for the rest of one’s life.

We speak with so much conviction about the benefits of having children and castigate those who feel they are not built for such commitment. We have seen politicians encourage their constituents to multiply to build their voting blocs, yet do little to build systems to support these very children when adults fail.

Every day, we wake up to heart-wrenching stories of children abandoned in villages with elderly parents, dumped on the streets or placed in children’s homes, exposing them to exploitation and abuse. These poor children end up living deplorable lives not because they chose to but because adults failed them where it mattered. With this in mind, can we dismiss actions like the Indian man’s lawsuit as pettiness or is he, singularly highlighting an issue society has refused to talk about?

Maybe it is time we extend the pro-choice conversation to go beyond reproductive rights for women. Pro-choice must also mean making informed decisions about parenthood. It should include rejecting societal pressure to have children to fix relationships, prove fertility or even worse, appease the ancestors. Pro-choice may mean supporting those who feel they are not built for parenthood instead of vilifying them.

As we advocate for policies and laws that put the interests of children first, the adults in the room must be deliberate in creating a society that is wholesome for them. Choosing to be a parent must come from a place of pure intention, armed with the capacity to nurture them emotionally, financially and mentally too. If we truly value children, then we may want to start by treating the decision to have them or not with the seriousness it deserves.

Life may be unpredictable, and things may not always go according to plan. But if we bring children into the world, we must be ready to give them our very best so that they never, for one single moment, question their existence.

Ms Wekesa is a development communication consultant. fnwekesa@gmail.com